Tasty Ratings
An entirely unscientific assessment of Vermont Smoke & Cure's meat sticks
By Geoffrey Gevalt
As I kid, I was taken with Slim Jims. In those days, no one thought about the potential hazards of food, particularly something as American as, well, meat. Slim Jims were something new, had a snap when you bit into them, tasted good to our young palates and were filling. My brother once had such a hankering for them he rode his bike into town — a mile and a half one way — and bought a whole box of them. A glorious feast.
Times have changed.
A bite of a Slim Jim nowadays would make me quiver, particularly if I read all the ingredients. I’m sure one bite would be enough. But I’ve been a fan of Vermont Smoke & Cure for a while but had confined my nibbles to the Original and Chipotle flavors. I decided to do a taste test of all 10 “sticks” of meat that Vermont Smoke & Cure produces. The company’s spiel is reassuring: best cuts of meat; no GMOs, antibiotics, chemicals; slow-cooked and slow-smoked; natural spices and colorings; no sodium nitrate — natural alternatives.
So at the table I sat and snipped off inch-long pieces of each of the flavors fresh off the
production line. Here’s my unscientific, completely arbitrary, entirely personal taste assessment:
Over all they’re pretty decent. Only one did I not want another bite: the oven-baked turkey; it seemed dry as a desert but, showing how out-of-touch I am, the turkey sticks turn out to be the most popular, the company says.)
My Favorite: The Original. It’s moist, has a nice blend of flavors and a decent aftertaste, so just what you want a meat stick to be. Another bite, please.
My Next Three: Premium Beef — less spice, pleasant meat flavor, good texture; Bacon & Pork — best texture and snap, moist and great balance of smoke flavor; Pepperoni Pork — moist, great flavor, pepperoni lovers’ dream.
My Most Unexpected: Maple Old-Fashioned — definitely interesting given the company’s collaboration with Whistle Pig Whiskey. Wouldn’t use it as a glass-stirrer, but it’s definitely got the whiskey flavor. Didn’t really taste the maple, though. But worth trying.
My Also-Rans: BBQ Pork — surprisingly bland but moist; Smoked Chipotle — used to be my favorite, but this one was dry and had a different flavor than before; the three Turkeys (Oven-Roasted, Hot & Spicy and Turkey Pepperoni), all too dry for my mouth.
All this proves that nostalgia is not always accurate — every one of these flavors vastly exceeded my memory of the taste of a Slim Jims and there is no comparison to the Slim Jims of today. And these Vermont Smoke & Cure meat sticks are a darn sight healthier.
—g.g.
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